Dispatches from a retreat

A lot of the time lately, I've been thinking that it would be healthy for me to be more present with my children on a moment-to-moment basis. I want to think less about what I need to be doing, or what we've just been doing, and instead just share some space with them in the moment.

I've realized this morning that I also want to be more connected and present with my children by really listening to them (particularly my three-year-old) when they talk. (OK, my 10-month-old really just babbles, but I can "listen" and feel his "talk" too.) I find that I often don't really listen to my older child -- I often just kind of "let" him talk, not really take it in and sit with it. If what he says doesn't jive with my agenda, then I often don't really internalize what he's saying. And that's not what I want. I want to listen. Really listen. With my ears and my heart.

I've also heard a few fellow retreaters talk about how most of their thoughts come from "frightened parts of their personality" (a phrase used to basically refer to unhealthy, unloving parts of ourselves -- parts we are on this earth to look at and heal.) I've been really identifying with their awareness of the unhealthy babble in their heads. How much of my thoughts are of the sort that start with something like "I should", "I wish", "I don't like", "I can't", "It makes me crazy that", "But what if" and the list goes on. These are all thoughts that don't serve me, that don't come from love, and instead come from the fear of powerlessness, or judgement, or anger, or impatience, etc.

I want to really look at these things and try and challenge them. Choose differently than I have in the past. Easy-ish to do at a retreat, harder back home in the real world. Fingers crossed.