Resisting the moment

Someone whom I love very dearly calls themself a "negative scanner". This means this person is always looking for the negative in everything, and often stating it out loud. I thought about writing who this person is -- the role they play in my life -- but it's really not important. What's important is what I can learn from them.

This person's negativity has worn me out -- at least the unhealthy parts of me feel worn out. I fear this will never change. I fear I will grow more depressed because I am surrounded by this person's negativity when I am with this person. And I fear that this will (and does) have an impact on my children.

But I have hope. I heard Eckhart Tolle say something today like "We are never upset about what we think we are upset about."

So perhaps I am not upset about this relentless negativity at all. Perhaps there is something beneath the pain I feel. I have learned that this person's negativity, this person's pain is a lot about resisting the moment, resisting what is. This person feels the pain of powerlessness so intensely that they are in agony almost all the time -- chest pains, as well as other physical and emotional pains.

I realized today that I, too am resisting the moment when I resist this person's words, when I wish they were different, when I wish they would stop. I realize that what is causing them great pain (resisting the moment) is causing me pain as well. The triggers are different, the pain is the same.

Now, I'm ready for the next step. Really, truly seeing this as an opportunity to stop resisting the moment. Being grateful for the opportunities to learn, even from the pain. How am I going to do this? I have no idea. I will try to focus on just being. Try to let go. Try to accept what is. Breathe. Slowly and carefully.

Easier said than done, but I'm still going to try. I have no choice -- not if I want to continue to grow. Not if I want to get back to the joy. And hoo-eee, do I ever.